Saturday, August 15, 2009

Saturday at the Hut - 8/15/09

Today turned out to be a pretty crappy day at The Tobacco Hut. Not in the metaphorical sense, but in the very real sense of the word. Allow me to explain.

When I arrived, Jim C and Joe K were already there, Jim seated to Lou's right in the matching chair that Lou sits in. Joe was to Lou's left in one of the white vinyl chairs. I took a seat in the remaining vinyl chair near the refrigerator.

I lit my pipe, and the other three were all enjoying their cigars, all settling in for a nice afternoon. After a bit Lou relays what happened earlier in the morning when a poor, unfortunate homeless man had walked into the store. Lou has seen him around and he's always been friendly enough. Knowing that money for cigarettes is hard to come by for the man, Lou offers him a pack of cigarettes he had been given as a sample by one of his vendors, and a cup of coffee.

The man sits down in the chair where Joe is now sitting, smokes his cigarette and drinks his coffee. Only after the man leaves does Lou realize that the man shat himself, leaving a sizable brown stain on the chair. Lou looks at Joe who is slowly rising out of his chair, and he reassures him that he cleaned the chair thoroughly.

Well, an hour or so later Joe gets up to pay for his cigar and Jim and I notice that the front of the chair has a distinctive brown stain running down it almost to the floor. I call to Lou that he didn't do as thorough a job cleaning the chair as he thought and that Joe better check the back of his legs.

All hell breaks loose at this point as Joe is jumping around, thoroughly grossed out and Lou is chasing him with a bottle of Windex to clean him up and clean the chair at the same time. Joe goes so far as standing at the front door and partially removing his shorts, saying he can't wear his pants anymore (thankfully he put them back on, but please note that Joe wears blue jockeys).

Joe attempts to sit on Jim's lap, but Jim is successful in pushing him off, and Joe tries to shake everyone's hand as he's leaving, but no one will touch him at this point. He finally leaves, heading home to bathe and do a load of laundry no doubt.

A short while later Barry C arrives. Jim and I both encourage Barry to have a seat (in the chair) so we can tell him a story. He sits down and gets his cigar lit and we proceed to tell him the story. He looks at all three of us incredulously saying, "You let me sit in shit?!" We assured him that it was cleaned at that point, plus Joe probably got most of it on him. Nevertheless Barry wasn't pleased.

About a half hour later Peter walks in. Barry gets up and get himself one of the stools to sit in complaining that the chair "hurt his back." So Peter gets his cigar and sits in the chair. We proceed to tell him the story and the look on his face was priceless. He was equally as grossed out as every other previous occupant of the chair.

Peter was also eager to yield the chair when Steve B showed up. Musical chairs continued with Peter getting a folding chair from the back, complaining about his back. Steve eagerly took the seat and lit up his cigar. We didn't hesitate telling him the story and after we convinced him we weren't kidding, he reluctantly stayed in the chair, with his legs held out from the front of the chair.

We certainly got a lot of mileage out of that one, and probably would have lured others into the chair but it was toward the end of the day and nobody else came in and stayed.

One other quick funny moment occurred when an attractive young woman came in, looked at Lou, and said, "Hi, I called earlier - I'm here for your nads." Barry and I immediately looked at each other, and then Lou clarified what she meant...she was there to purchase some Nat Sherman cigarettes, "nats" for short.

Congratulations to Peter who is getting married in the Greek Orthodox Church tomorrow to his wife Stacey. They've been married for twenty five years, but it was a civil ceremony, and they are now tying the knot in the church. Congratulations Peter and Stacey!

Congratulations to Lou and Dotty as well who are renewing their vows shortly, but he's not telling anybody when or where, afraid that we'll show up and "crash" the party.

- Bob


  1. Stacey and I thank you for the kind words. Stacey said that would be a great bit on Saturday Night Live.

  2. I smell a cover up! Maybe Koker should consider some Depends.
    - Mike

  3. Has Joe K. purchased a HAZ-MAT suit yet? If you get a chance boil that chair for me please. I think everyone should bring a towel to sit on from now on. MIKE G